Things Never Said in Harry Potter
by Florafauna
Summary: You'd never see these things said in Harry Potter, and if you read, you'll find out why...


**This is a compilation I put together of things that would never be said in the Harry Potter books, written by me and several other people. I can't possible name all of the people who contributed to this, so I won't try. However, we all go to this website: www.angelfire.com/rpg2/hprpg**

**Come visit us!**

**Harry: The dark...I'm scared...it comes...the animals *psychotic laugh* ehehehehehe...   
  
Harry: *singing offkey in karaoke machine* HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!!!   
  
Harry: *moons Lord Voldemort*   
  
Wormtail: Hey everyone! Onigirl! Made them myself!   
  
Wormtail: Voldemort, do you just like me for my body?   
  
Hermione: Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her butt.   
  
Snape: What's my secret? Well, let me just say every great Potions master starts his day with Cheerios.   
  
Snape: *singing* Man, I feel like a woman.   
  
Ginny: Neville, it's just that you're kinda...fat.   
Neville: All in the right places, baby!   
  
Neville: To be or not to be/Romeo, oh, Romeo   
  
Neville: GET IN MY BELLY!   
  
Neville: *lights a cigarette* Yes, It looked like it was another mystery for Neville...private eye.   
  
Voldemort: *singing* I'm blue da be dee da...   
  
Voldemort: I'm converting to Judaism.   
  
Voldemort: Sweeeeeeeeeet....   
  
Voldemort: *looking in mirror* Who's a hot master of evil? You are! Yes, you are!   
Wormtail: Um, sire, do you need any help in there?   
Voldemort: No, mudblood! Stay out! *whispers* I'm so sexy...   
  
Malfoy: I dig hot chicks.   
  
Malfoy: I AM A CHILD OF ALLAH!!!   
  
Malfoy: Hell with wands! Next time I'm seeing Potter I'm taking out my Uzi and BAM!   
  
Dumbledore: *rapping* I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!!**

Ron: Does this robe make my butt look too big?   
  
Ron: *rapping while wearing sunglasses and making weird movements with his hands* Will the real Slim Shady please stand up! Please stand up! Please stand up!   
  
Ron: Harry, I think you should know something about me. Do you know why my family has almost all sons? Well, my dad was once this plastic surgeon...   
  
McGonagall: *singing* I'm a slaaaave..for you!   
  
Crabbe: Hello zere! I'm Crabbe!   
Goyle: Yah, and I'm Goylllle!   
Together: We are going to pump *clap clap* you up!   
  
Fred Weasley: *in the movie* Harry...do you ever feel like you're being...WATCHED???!!!   
  
George Weasley: So vote for me, George Weasley, as head cheerleader for the house of Gryffindor for 2002!   
  
*Harry and Ron walk into a room to see Malfoy and Hermione making out*   
Ron: Hermione!   
Hermione: Ron!   
Harry: Malfoy!   
Malfoy: Potter!   
Ron: Malfoy!   
Malfoy: Weasley!   
Hermione: Harry!   
Harry: Hermione!   
Hermione: Ron!   
Ron: Malfoy!   
Malfoy: Weasley!   
  
Harry: *looks on in terror*   
Voldemort: Yes, we will see who is faithful *sends sparks flying from his fingers everywhere in a blat of light*   
Voldemort: *cell phone appears* Yeah, is this Lucius Malfoy? Could you please meet me here at...   
  
Hagrid: So. They discard me. Use me. Try to kill my pets. Well. *takes out knife* Heh heh heh… 

**Harry: *owl flies in and drops a Playboy magazine on the table* Dudley just had his birthday again...   
  
Voldemort: *walks into the Potter's house when Harry's still a baby* Well, hello, Mr. Potter. Or should I call you...JAMES?!   
  
Malfoy: I've decided to join the act for lesbians against discrimination cause.   
  
Voldeort: *sniffs* I smeell guilt...there is a stench of guilt in the air...   
Macnair: *mutters* I knew I shouldn't have bought that deodorant...**

**Flitwick: So I sez to Dumbledore "I be a midget, I be a midget", but da dumb guy don't care. H sez if I got da dig den dat's all my height...   
  
Snape: *dresses up as a snake and prances around Quidditch field during a game***

**Hermione: *singing* And another one bites the dust!   
  
Dumbledore: So are you in the union?   
Quirrell: Yes, I am.   
Dumbledore: *boots him out***

**Voldemort: Harry...*deep breathing* I am your father...   
  
Hermione: Like...oh...my...god! *giggles*   
  
McGonagall: *claps hands* Dy-no-mite!!!   
  
Malfoy: Well...I was thinking of voting Harry Potter off the island...He hasn't been pulling his weight in the immunity challenges...   
  
Snape: Is that your final answer?**

**Flitwick: *looking around in his class* Hey, you there. You're the weakest link, goodbye!   
  
Snape: *does the People's eyebrow* Do you smell...what the Professor Snape...is cookin'?   
  
Crabbe and Goyle: *as Bring It On cheerleaders* We're sexy, we're cute, we're pop-u-lar to boot! Good looks, great hair, the boys all like to stare!**

**Snape: I'm starting with the man in the mirror...I'm askin' him to change his waaaayyysss!!!   
  
Neville (to Ginny): Hey pretty baby with the high heels on, you give me fever like I've never ever known!   
  
Seamus: *all Irish-like* Do you understand the words that are comin' outta my mouf?!   
Dean: Man, ain't nobody understand the words that are comin' outta yo' mouf!   
  
Dumbledore: *moonwalks in the halls* You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it! And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again, WHO'S BAD?!?   
  
Random Harry Potter People: You know we are, Youth of the Nation!   
  
Binns: *starts breaking it down in the classroom* Shake it fast! Watch yourself! Shake it fast! Show me what ur workin' wit'!   
  
McGonagall: *sings to the tune of Snoop Dogg* M-C-G-O-N-A-G-A-double jzell! G-A-double jzell! G-A-double jzell!**

**Flitwick, on the pile of books he stands on: *sings* I'm on the, top of the world, looking, down on creation and the only explanation I can find...   
  
**

**Malfoy: *sings* My disobliging ways are a matter of a habit....   
  
**

***in book 3* Harry: Dude, where's my broom?   
Ron: Dude, Harry, it got hit by the Whomping Willow....   
  
**

**Armor in the hallways: We are the knights that say NEE!   
  
**

**Buckbeak: *sings* I'm like a bird, I only fly away...   
  
**

**The Dursleys, to Harry: *sings* WE ARE FAMILY!**

**Hermione:*sings* If you wanna go and get high wit me, smokin' L in the back of the limosine, oh why do I feel this way....HEY, MUST BE THE MONEY!   
  
Snape: So if you want to have clear, clean skin, use what I use: Neutrogean Oil-Free Body Wash!   
  
McGonagall:*raps* Get ur freak on, get ur freak on...   
  
Harry:*sings* Would you be my girlfriend?   
Ron: *raps* yeah yeah   
Hermione and Cho: Uhhhhhh......   
Ginny: *shoves Cho out of the way* Oh Harry, how sweet....   
Harry: Uhhhhh....   
  
Snape: Imagine ME, this kindergarten teacher!**

**  
Snape: This isn't Burger King. You can't have it your way. You're going to have it MY way!**

**Uncle Dursley: Well, after Dudley's operation, Petunia being sued for peeping tom, and Grunnings going bankrupt, I guess there's only one question I have to ask:   
All: How we gonna payyyy, how we gonna payyyy, how we gonna payyyy, last year's rent!!!!???   
  
Snape: *In glorious drag* Today for you, *voice squeaks/cracks* tommorow for me!   
  
Hermione: *to Harry* Let's go, oooouuuutttt! tonight!   
  
Dumbledore: Live in my house, I'll be your shelter, just pay me back with 1,000 kisses. Be my lover, and I'll cover youuuuuu.   
Sirius: Open your door, I'll be your tenant, don't got much baggage to lay at your feet. But sweet kisses I have to spare, I'll be there and I'll cover youuuuu.   
Both: I think they meant it, when they said you can't buy love, now I know you can rent it, and at least you are my love...   
*Harry walks in and faints***

**Dobby: So that's five miso soup, four seaweed salad, three soy burger dinners, two tofu dog platters, and one pasta with meatless balls.   
Ron: Ew!   
Harry: It tastes the same.   
Hermione: If you close your eyes.   
Dobby: And 13 orders of fries, is that it here?   
Ron&Harry&Hermione: WINE AND BEER!   
*McGonagall walks by at that moment and faints upon hearing those words*   
  
**

**Professor McGonagall: Ahem!   
Ron, pointing to Hermione: Hey Professor! She's my sister....   
  
Harry&Ron: To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy   
Vaclav Havel - The Sex Pistols, 8BC,   
To no shame - never playing the Fame Game   
Hermione: To marijuana!   
Harry,Hermione&Ron: To sodomy,   
It's between God and me   
To S & M   
Professor McGonagall: Waiter...Waiter...Waiter!   
  
Ron: In honor of the death of Snape an impromptu salon will commence immediately following dinner... Hermione Granger, clad only in bubble wrap, will perform her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being stirred.**

**Hermione: Beeend.....and SNAP! *whacks into Harry***

**Dumbledore: Yo yo yo, sup my homies?   
  
Hermione: Harry, can you help me, I don't understand our Transfiguration homework.   
  
Professor Snape: Very good answer, Miss Granger. 10 points to Gryffindor.   
  
Voldemort: WORMTAIL! Did you, like, get the, like, tickets to the, like, N'Sync concert yet?   
  
Neville: You do not know the true power of the Dark Side.   
  
Hagrid: Who really cares abou' savin' the whales? I say we build more oil rigs!   
  
Snape: *singing and doing the actions* I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so I'll shake my butt! *clap clap clap clap***

**Snape: *singing* I love you, you love me, we are a happy family... *continued through entire class***

**Harry, Hermione, and Ron: This is the song that doesn't end, it goes on and on my friend, some people started singing it not know what it was, but they'll be singing it forever and ever just because this is the song that doesn't end...   
Dumbledore: STOP! Stop.**

**Harry: Oh my god! We killed Malfoy!   
Pansy Parkinson: You bastards!   
  
Dumbledore: I believe I can fly... *jumps off a cliff***

**Dobby: *wearing white rabbit ears* I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!   
  
Voldemort: *sniff* It's all that darned Peter Pan-I mean Harry Potter's fault. *hears the ticking of the clock* Yaaaarg! Smee! SMEE! It's it's the CROCODILE!   
Wormtail: Erm ... Master? Didn't you give away your hook to that tall man with the big nose and the red coat?   
Voldemort: Oh Smee-   
Wormtail: *cough* Wormtail...   
Voldemort: I'm having an identity crisis.   
Wormtail: *pulls up a big chair and whips out a pad* Tell me all about it master, you can call me Oprah if you like.   
  
Fred: *to George* Do you know Harry Potter?   
George: *to Fred* Harry Potter?   
Fred: *to George* Harry Potter!   
  
Snape: Quirell! Stop humping the "cauldron"... *puts pinkie to corner of mouth* Mwahahahahaha!   
  
Lockhart: *singing* I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity, any girl who isn't me tonight! Lalalalala la la la lala!   
  
Sirius in Dog Form: Call me on my Fido, hm?   
  
Ron: *singing* If I were a rich man...   
  
Neville: *leg starts tapping on own accord* I just wanna DANCE!   
  
Dumbledore: *throws down wand* I never wanted to do this anyway! ... I wanted to be ....a LUMBERJACK!   
  
Snape: *to Harry* So you want to be a rock superstar? Live large, five cars. Well you've got-to-do-the-time!   
  
Malfoy: I'll get you Harry Potter! That's the last straw! NOBODY STEALS DRACO MALFOY'S EXTRA HOLD EXTRA HARD HAIR GEL!**

**Malfoy: *twitches and falls to the floor*   
Crabbe: *to Goyle* I knew the peroxide would affect his brain someday.**

**Goyle: *nodding solemnly* It was only a matter of time.   
  
Malfoy: *to Ron* How's it going Carrot Top?   
Ron: *rolling his eyes* Oh! So now you're stealing lines from the Archie comics are you? Well now! THIS ISN'T RIVERDALE!**

**Harry: *dancing the Tango with Malfoy* It's hard to do this backwards...   
Malfoy: You should try it ... in heels! *breaks a stilletto***

**Sirus: Shaken not stirred   
  
Sirus: Black, Sirus Black**

**Draco, Goyle and Crabbe: *singing* AH AH AH AH STAYING ALIVE, staying aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!!**

**Harry:*dancing around* Take it back now ya'll. 3 hops this time.   
  
Snape: *talking into mirror* The name is Snape. Severus Snape. I like my potions shaken not stirred.   
  
Dobby: *attempting meditative pose* Free am I. Still work I do. Socks I like. *giggles furiously* Don't leave Harry I can do a good Darth Vader. *does weird breathing and runs towards Harry*   
  
McGonagall: She looks around the hall then peeks down at her bottom and straightens out her underwear.   
  
Hagrid: *adjusts lip microphone* Oops I….did it again; to your heart got lost; in this game oh baby! *Tries to do splits* Gawd, I gotta stop doing that.   
  
Voldermort: To infinity and beyond!   
  
Wormtail: *Tilts back head* Aint no lie. Bye Bye Bye. Bye Byyyyyyeeee!   
  
Ginny ,Hermione, Cho Chang, Fleur Décor: Dream of Lady Marmalllllaaaddddeee.   
Mcgonagall: Ginny   
Ginny:*wailing out* Ohhhhwayyayayooohh ooowwwaaayyy ohhh.   
McGonagall: Hermione   
Hermione: Laddddaaaayyyy Marmallade   
McGonagall: Cho Chang   
Cho Chang: Uh, uh, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah   
McGonagall: Fleur   
Fleur: Ohhhhhwaaayyyy hhayyyowaaayyoooh   
  
Harry and Hermione: So due to these irregularities we are requesting a second gold medal for Figure Broomflying.   
  
Neville:*pointing at Hermione* I did not have sexual relations with that woman.   
  
Hagrid: I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, uhhh. Chilllliiis Baby Back Ribs!   
Norbet: Barbecue Sauce   
  
Hermione:*putting on sunglasses while doing a spin* Get this party started night on a Saturday night.**

**Hermione: *strapped to bed* I'll never telllllllll.*eyes roll back into face***

**Quirrell : No, no, Harry! There's MORE to love with two faces! No, no..Don't leeaaave mee!! Don't kill me with your love!**

**Lockhart: *Looking into mirror.* Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who's the hottest of them all?   
Mirror: Professor Severus Snape.   
Lockhart: *Gasps in horror and curls himself into a ball, weeping.*   
  
Hermione: *Signing.* I would not be just a nothing, my head all full of stuffin', my heart all full of paaaain. I'd sit and be merry, life would be a dingaderie, if I only had braaaaain!   
  
Malfoy: *Hair changed to a red afro, a bit short.* Alright everyone! I'm Malfoy Simmons, and this is Aerobics for the ladies! And one, and two, shake those groove things, ladies!   
  
Hermione: *Does finger snappy z thing.* I don't think so, girl frien'!   
  
Cho Chang: *Football hits her face.* Oh! My nose!!!!   
  
Lord Voldermort: *On a game show.* Oh my god! I won! I WON!   
Announcer: Correct. Now, let's see your fabulous prize! *Car comes out.*   
Lord Voldermort: I won a CAR! A brand new CAR! YAAAAAY!**


End file.
